And the best laid plans....

I got sick. So sick I missed two days of work and four play sessions with submissives (including one overnight that we had had planned for over a month). I was not a happy camper. I'm still not well. I was able to go to work all week and resume some play dates, but I'm still congested and very easily tired. My brain is starting to function again, so I'm going to give this another try.

Jared has a name now. Not much history developed yet, but I'm seeing him as an established Master, gay male, perhaps bi. Polyamorous, very formal, and not in it for romance. Hannah, I think, would like to find someone to share her life, not just be a D/s partner. That will provide a bit of contrast for them, but I'm not sure they will be adversaries. More likely friends or acquaintances with a healthy respect for the other's style.

Once I recover from the several hours of changes I just made to my vanity website, I'll try to write some more. The goal remains to have 7-10 segments of the story ready as an evaluation and then begin posting -- *if* I decide it's worthwhile.

I did start writing last week. The first segment is written. I wanted to post at least one segment a day and then review them this weekend. If you've read the journal on my Unsuspected Depth website, however, you know that I've had trouble finding time to do so. Too many women in my life, I guess.

I did have an inspiration the other day for another primary character. He'll be the counterpart for Hannah. He doesn't have a name or much of a background yet. And no, he's not a potential mate for Hannah -- though perhaps a confidant and mentor. On second thought, that probably wouldn't work. He's more likely to be the center of the other side of the story. Television soap operas usually have two or three "core families" and whereas Hannah is the center of one set of intersecting storylines, this unnamed guy will probably be the focus of another. Might be interesting to have one of his exes get involved with Hannah's roommate...

hmmm....

If I didn't have a party to be at in two hours, I might do some more fleshing out of this guy. Could this be the inspiration that gets the story going? I want to have at least five segments written before I announce the url of the story. That way I'll be a bit ahead of the game.

Then again, maybe beating someone for the first time in almost 18 months (which I did Tuesday night) had something to do with being more inspired -- in which case going to a play party tonight, even though I don't plan to play, might provide even more inspiration. Check back soon!

I felt inspired last night. I thought "just start typing a story in and see where it goes."

I haven't yet, but I might later today. After all, at this point, no one knows where the story blog resides. I could start it, write for a week or so, and see if it's viable. Then if it sucks, delete it. If it's marginally acceptable, share the url.

One of my problems has always been over planning. Perhaps that is what has crippled this project: the idea that if I don't have everything precisely planned in advance, it won't work. That's antithetical to the blog philosophy, and somewhat to the soap opera genre. While a soap opera needs a "bible" before a company invests money in it's production, that's more to convince the network and producers it's worth the capital and to give the writers a reference tool. When you only have one writer and no start-up costs to speak of, what's the point? If this takes off, I'm sure there will be volunteers willing to chart the backstory of characters, etc. The bible can be made as it goes along.

Now it just needs inspiration of content and maybe, just maybe, this will happen after all.

I typed a long detailed post Saturday morning and the server ate it. I won't try to recreate it now.

Short version: I'm questioning my ability to write erotic fiction. Maybe my writing talent is inclined more toward journal and essay writing, with a little dialogue-driven fiction thrown in here and there. I think this is the main reason I haven't gone forward with this project after being so excited.

I have some downtime at work this next week and a 4-day weekend next week. If that time doesn't ferment something on this, I may just let this project die as a good idea at a bad time.

Little progress since last week. Motivation isn't a factor so much as getting into the proper writing-mind. There have been a few hints the last few days that writing is about to take off again in my life. If I can just get enough sleep to feel rested so my brain will have the energy to fly.

Maybe tomorrow.

And here it is, another day. I think the issue of *why* I am doing this is still brewing under the surface. I did feel inspired when I started this project. I don't doubt there was a reason for that inspiration. I should just trust that there is a reason and it will play itself out whether I am conscious of it or not.

I think another reason I stepped back from the story is that I don't want the characters or situations to be too close to my own life. The two characters I had started developing, Hannah & her friend, might be identified with myself and a friend of mine. Hannah is not intended to be me. She has a core identity and past that are not similiar to me. Her friend is meant to be similiar to my friend, but only in situation, not in action or personality.

I will draw on people and situations I know in order to give reality and depth to the characters and relationships in X. I won't, however, bind the story to reality. That would be dishonest to the characters, and an invasion of privacy of the actual people. I have to accept that process and move forward.

The Return:
As I was gently reminded last week, I haven't written here in a long time. I didn't realize it had been quite so long until I logged into blogger.com. That slippery slope of "I'll get to it tomorrow" easily becomes a long dry spell when I'm not careful.

All I can say is work interfered--both my day job and some personal/spiritual work I've been doing. While my audience here is small, you do matter. If you take the trouble to come see how I'm progressing, I should provide something for you to read--even if it's just rambling about why I haven't made progress.

I think I've been wondering *why* this project. Is it so I'll impress people? So that my writing talents will be noticed and maybe, somehow, I'll find a way to make a living as a writer? Is it to influence the way people view the world of BDSM? And if it's that, do I want to influence those who do BDSM or the vanilla world --or both? Is there some story or character in my head that has something to say and I'm just trying to express that? Am I trying to exercise my writing skills so that I will evolve into a better writer? Is it about ego or message? Fame or Ministry? Education of others or Development of sElf?

Maybe it's the fact that I don't know, that I don't have a clear purpose, that is blocking my progress and the excuse of work is a cover story that sounds better.